Wagaliciousness Begins Here!

John W. Gardner was the Secretary of Health Education and Welfare in the 1960’s, and in a speech he said, “No matter how hard you try to please, some people in this world are not going to love you – a lesson that is at first troubling and then really quite relaxing.”

How could not being able to please someone be relaxing?

Because the lesson is that it’s not ever your job to make someone love you. You truly can’t make another person love you – their feelings are their own, just as your feelings are your own. Your work is to be the best person you can be, no matter what others feel about you.

Love yourself – that’s truly all that matters.

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Just because you’re related to them, it doesn’t mean they can run rough-shod all over you.

Do you have a family member who violates your boundaries? Ask yourself, “would I accept this kind of behavior from a client?” If the answer is no, then don’t accept it from a relative either.

Don’t allow anyone to take advantage of you, even if the conversation to make it stop could be difficult. Come up with a way to lovingly help them understand what they’re doing to you. If the roles were reversed, what would your behavior look like to them? How would they feel if you did to them what they're doing to you? 

Express that and see if you can help them change their ways.

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Resiliency is a muscle you can build.

It’s the ability to adapt to new situations. You’ve done that your whole life.

Resiliency is gracefully letting go of the things you can’t control. OK, for most of us, this one is a bit harder, and when you learn to let go you’ll feel the wisdom and peace of it.

Resiliency is holding your calm center as the storm swirls around you.

Resiliency is remembering to love and respect those around you, as you would hope they would love and respect you. Yes, even when it feels like they don't deserve your love, love them anyway because it's best for you.

Resiliency is remembering that you can trust yourself to make sound decisions because you’ve made good decisions in the past and can make them again. Your ability to be resilient is something that’s there and getting stronger with every decision you make.

Trust in your resiliency.

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Your words are powerful.

People count on your words to know what you’re feeling, know what they’re supposed to do if you're their leader, know what they’re supposed to do if you're their family member or house-mate – the list goes on.

Words are powerful, so choose them carefully. When you hurt someone with words, you can apologize and that might help a little bit but it will never take away the other person’s memory of how the words made them feel.

And when you hurt yourself with your own words or thoughts about yourself, you do twice as much damage.

Your words matter – they are powerful, and like a super-power, they can be used for good or for evil. Use your words for good, especially the words you use for yourself.

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Getting angry at team members who make mistakes only teaches them to hide their mistakes.

I’m not telling you to never get angry again – we’re human and have a full range of emotions that we’re supposed to feel and use. It’s good to remember how those emotions feel to others, and how our behavior changes the way others act when they’re around us.

Mistakes are normal – we all make them. When you start to feel angry that someone around you made a mistake, put some mental duct tape over your mouth and think about how you want them to behave, not how you want to behave in that moment.

Get angry and they learn to hide mistakes from you.

Get supportive and use the moment to teach and they learn to trust you.

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Do you worry about what others think of you, your abilities and your actions?

Sure, we want people to love us and approve of us and appreciate us, and it feels wonderful when they do. As a matter of fact, the approval of others gives us a shot of oxytocin, the hormone that promotes connectedness and a feeling of community.

When you worry about what other people think of you, though, you usually worry that they don’t approve or don’t like you or don’t think you’re competent. When you do that, you cause a cascade of stress hormones to roll through your body, because your brain is reacting to your thoughts.

You can’t know exactly what someone else is thinking, nor can you control their thoughts. Control yours – when you find yourself worrying about what someone else is thinking, remind yourself that what others think of you is none of your business.

There – doesn’t that feel better?

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How do you feel about a liar?

What if I told you that most of the time, someone who lies to you has decent motives for it – would you feel better about that person?

Think about a time in your life when you told a lie – didn’t you do it to make the other person feel better than they would have felt if you’d told the truth? Or maybe you did it because, in that moment, you were feeling a little insecure and wanted to feel better about yourself? Or maybe you told the story the way you wish it had happened, not how it actually happened.

When people lie to you, there’s usually no malice behind their lie – there’s concern for how you’ll feel, a desire to have done better or concern for how they’ll be perceived. Instead of being angry, try being compassionate instead.

You’ll feel better, and the relationship will be better, too.

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Gratitude is different than appreciation.
Nice is different than good.
Right is different than fair.

And words intended to solve a problem can be the very way a problem gets way out of hand.

Those three sets of words – gratitude and appreciation, nice and good, right and fair – are often used as synonyms and can mean wildly different things to different people.

If you’re in conflict with someone, don’t assume the words being used mean the same thing to both of you – they probably don’t. When the other person says something that gets under your skin, stop and ask, “can you please explain that a little more for me?” You’re not issuing a challenge, you’re asking for more clarity.

When the two of you understand what you each mean, the pathway to mutual understanding and potential agreement can happen.

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Did your parents encourage you to learn from your mistakes? Mine did, and that’s good advice. Unfortunately, sometimes I got in trouble for making mistakes, which taught me how to deny them.

It’s hard to learn from mistakes you’re not owning up to, so if you learned the same lessons from your parent as I did, here’s a tip – own your mistakes.

Yep, you’re a grown-up now, so no one is the boss of you. Heck, you might even be the boss of a team! When you own your mistakes it frees you up to learn and grow with them, plus it makes you look amazingly strong and ethical.

That’s a pretty good way to look to others, right?

Go ahead – make mistakes, own them, learn from them and move on, confident that you’ve done a great job of adulting. 

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How do you feel when something or someone you wanted doesn’t become yours? Maybe it was a new work situation, a new house or even a new spouse?

Well, that question seems stupid, doesn’t it?

Rejection hurts. Rejection is disappointing. And then there’s this - rejection is good because it shows you that you tried.

Failing at anything is a bit of a gut-punch at first, and that’s to be expected because you’re human. Reframe that feeling – remind yourself that you put yourself out there and you tried, and when you try again it could very well turn out in your favor.

Lick your wounds for a moment and then move on – life has more adventures in store for you! 

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